No one wants to believe that a person without eyebrows can’t be elected as president. But there are certain political realities we have to face in the run-up to the 2020 presidential elections.
Any Democratic candidate who lacks eyebrows is sure not only to face dirty tricks and low-blow Twitter nicknames from the president (“Joey No-Brow,” “Weird-Browed Warren,” “Bernie Bye-Brows,” etc.) but tough questions from the public—questions like “Is this a political statement from Yang or did he just blow too big a bubblegum bubble,” “Oh my god what did Mayor Pete do to his face,” and “Bloomberg looks slightly different today… but how?”
This election is too important to ignore these issues. Democratic voters need to be prepared for the possibility that come Nov. 3, 2020, their choices may turn out to be four more years of Donald Trump or a candidate with no eyebrows but otherwise completely normal hair.
Here’s what each of the nine top-polling 2020 Democrats would look like in that situation, visualized using next-generation computer graphics technology and listed in order of their FiveThirtyEight average as of Jan. 16, 2020. Look carefully and judge wisely, because it’s always possible that one of these candidates will have a disastrous shaving accident, look too closely at an open flame, light an exploding cigar, or trip while touring a cosmetics factory and land face first in a puddle of hair-removal spray before election day.